


Lost In An Echo

by infiniteworld8



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: BAMF Kirk, Dysfunctional Family, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Loss of Innocence, Protective Kirk, Secrets, Technically on hiatus, The Federation is Fucked Up, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-22
Updated: 2017-10-13
Packaged: 2018-09-11 06:14:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8961757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/infiniteworld8/pseuds/infiniteworld8
Summary: During a routine trip to an Academy Sponsored seminar the unthinkable happens. Kirk is left to deal with the fallout as he loses the man who's become closer than any family ever could. In the process, a secret is uncovered that reveals a Federation very different than anyone ever suspected and Kirk must do everything within his power to keep the ones he loves safe.





	1. Chapter 1

Four Days prior

“Sure you don’t want to take this?”

“What the hell is your problem Jim?” McCoy irritably ground out the words ignoring the way Kirk was perched on the holding a stuffed animal out with a guileless look.

Kirk chose to ignore the irritable tone in McCoy’s voice and set the stuffed animal down, none to subtly near McCoy’s bag. “They say this is guaranteed to help with aviophobia, space phobia the whole issue you have. It’s certified by the best psychobabble experts around—“

“For children Jim!” McCoy glared at Kirk who stared unconcernedly back at him. “And there’s only one child in here.”

“Where?” kirk pretended to glance around and then turned back to McCoy shaking his head as he did so. “Really, you keep children in your dorm room? And people think I’m a freak.”

“Maybe because you are…” But McCoy’s words were less angry and more exasperated.

“Are we talking about that time with the xyprxian girls a few weeks ago? Because I assure you that was part of a religious ritual which…”

“Which you were required to participate in to the full extent you did?”

Kirk gave a wicked grin and sighed. “I take people’s religious observances very seriously, Bones.  The body is a temple and somebody should attend services.”

McCoy glared at the comment but didn’t reply.

”Here I am being thoughtful and nobody ever appreciates it.”

“And here I thought you were just being an ass.”

Kirk rolled upright from where he had set on the edge of McCoy’s bed intentionally disturbing his packing. “Could be, but on another note, if this trip is worrying you so much I could come along Bones.”

McCoy paused in stuffing a shirt into his pack and frowned and Kirk. “And what would you do at a conference on advanced xenobiology for medical students?”

“I’m smart Bones…”

“Somehow I don’t think the event organizers will be impressed with what you know on this subject.”

Kirk gave a feral grin. “I have a vast array of knowledge to contribute. The sheer number of encounters with alien physiology I could tell you would astonish you…”

“And sicken me to.”

“Nope that would probably be the thought of the upcoming space flight.”

Kirk regretted his words slightly as his friend noticeably paled.

McCoy visibly took a second to compose himself and then stuffed a last piece of clothing into his bag.  He was still looking pale and didn’t speak as he hefted his bag. He looked like a man about to walk the plank and Kirk regretted even more his careless comment.  He decided to distract his friend by doing what he did best, being an ass. Before McCoy walked away he snatched a holopadd off the doctor’s desk. “Aren’t you forgetting something Bones?”

McCoy turned around a tad warily. Kirk was standing in the middle of the room and added innocently “wouldn’t want you to forget your dinner rendezvous you have planned when you get back”

McCoy colored visibly and Kirk continued. “Seriously how did you get a date with such a cute girl?”

McCoy snatched the holopadd which had the image of a smiling little girl revolving above it. He tucked the padd in his pocket and turned back to Kirk. “I swear Jim, if you and your lecherous ass call my daughter cute one more time, I’ll—“

“Hypo me to death, yeah, I’ve heard it before.” Kirk continued, falling into pace as McCoy left the dorm room and the door slid shut behind him. “Though are you sure you aren’t just jealous that Joanna likes me better?”

McCoy casted a glance at him and Kirk could clearly see the doctor was a little more than irritated at this comment.  Kirk amended “at least when her grumpy, much older and far less cute— “Kirk dodged the swat McCoy aimed at the back of his head. “Father isn’t around.”

“Seriously Bones what does she see in you?”

“Jim, get a kid of your own and leave mine alone and maybe you’ll see.”

“Not really in the mood, this way I get to give her back when the crying starts.”

“No you don’t because you don’t get to borrow her at all.”

“Really selfish aren’t you, why would you deprive Joanna of all that I can teach her?”

“Like how to be an annoying little sh—? Or—“

“I was thinking more along the lines of teaching her to swim this spring—you never did thank me for that by the way.”

“Consider me saving Donna from trying to kill you after all the comments you made thanks.”

“There’s nothing wrong with complimenting a beautiful woman Bones, she really shouldn’t have taken offense”

“Maybe she wouldn’t have if she hadn’t been my sister and you hadn’t kept pestering her for a kiss along with your comments.”

“only trying to collect my just deserts Bones, I traveled halfway across the country for a noble deed and I deserve something, plus she nearly killed me once with a goddamn culinary instrument and the next with food poisoning. I deserve fucking sainthood for tolerating the abuse”

They had arrived at the shuttle bay in which Cadets were lining up to board the shuttle that would be taking them for the two-daylong conference. McCoy fell abruptly silent in the middle of speaking and Kirk noticed a fine trembling that set through the other man’s body at the sight of the shuttle.

Time to step it up a notch. “Hey Bones, so how long have Donna and her husband been together?”

McCoy turned to him clearly startled by the questions. “A few years, why?”

Kirk grinned lewdly (an expression he did best) “Because I’ve found out that after a few years of matrimonial monogamous monotony people become more open to different  options…” Kirk ignored the look growing on McCoy’s face and added thoughtfully. “Think you could put in a word for me to spice thing up, being your friend and all?”

McCoy’s look of fear and barely concealed panic was transformed into a look of irritable rage. “You James Tiberius Kirk are a pig. May I remind you that the woman you’re talking about is my sister? my married sister?”

“Don’t be such a prude, this isn’t the 21st century… where’s your southern hospitality?”

“And where’s the person whose going to stop me from strangling you and then hypoing you to death if you so much as go near my sister?”

“How close are we defining near? An few inches? Less? a little more? cause if those are the boundaries I can work something out, I’m very flexible.”

“Jim.”

Kirk sighed at the warning in McCoy’s tone. “Well it was worth a try.”

McCoy appeared about to say something else but an officer called out. “Leonard H. McCoy please report.”

The look on McCoy’s face made a rapid transformation, gone was the rage and back was the I could-puke-any -second expression.

Kirk straightened his face and gave McCoy a tiny push forward. “Go on, it’s just a shuttle ride Bones, they’re totally safe.”

“except for the times they fail.”

Kirk gave a noncommittal shrug.  McCoy turned to him seriously. “Thanks Jim,”

Kirk didn’t speak, was it that obvious what his attempts at irritating the hell out of McCoy were? McCoy continued.  “Keep yourself in one piece until I get back.”

“I’ll try to though there’s only one part of me that I think needs to be kept strictly intact everything else is negotiable.”

McCoy frowned. “I’m serious, I’m not around to hypo you after you decide to try something or someone you’re allergic to. And the dermal regenerator and me have a special relationship I don’t think the other doctors quite could emulate.”

“Aye, Aye got my marching orders, do no damage that can’t be fixed without Bones intervention, unless it’s really, really necessary or…I get bored.”

McCoy shook his head. “Jim”

“Leonard H. McCoy this is your second call, report immediately!”

“Better go Bones, there’s only room for one slacker around here…move along or it’ll reinforce how bad an influence I am on you.”

“Bye Jim.”

Then McCoy was gone moving toward the irritated officer ushering cadets into the shuttle.

Kirk watched him board the shuttle and noticed that the doctor seemed marginally more relaxed than he usually did. Mission accomplished, apparently his infuriating jerk behavior was good for something other than annoying the hell out of people Kirk thought. He watched until McCoy disappeared into the shuttle and the vessel took off.

Soon it had disappeared into the atmosphere. McCoy was gone.

And Kirk had seen him for the last time and said goodbye without even knowing it.

Three days prior

It was late afternoon the shuttle full of medical cadets was due back any moment and Kirk was glad. With McCoy gone he really just how alone he actually was. Not literally, because he was surrounded by people students and faculty. But they were different from McCoy in that they weren’t really around him. He sat at the mess table with the other cadets he knew. A good majority of the academy knew him, many he was on speaking terms with, and a few more like Uhura and Gaila he knew well enough that he was able to annoy them in record time if he so chose. But they were all different than McCoy, because with all the other people there was a sort of distance. They didn’t know him as well as Bones did and they most likely never would. There were some things that never would know because he had no intention of sharing them.

Part of the distance was due to some of the campus coming to terms with the somewhat scandal of a few months ago. McCoy lies of menigitis to excuse his what most now assume was a false confession in a professor’s class of having been on Tarsus and the frequent fights and outbursts that had preceded the confession only served to make people wary of him. Kirk could tell that for many people it was clear they thought mengitis had merely been a convenient excuse to explain what they thought was obviously some sort of mental illness. After all the truth would have been to unbelievable.

In short, Kirk felt lonely in the crowd. His heart was halfway in it as he carefully needled Uhura. “So are you saying that my pronunciation was off or that the professor’s was?”

“I’m saying the professor’s was.” Uhura grudgingly admitted.

Kirk flipped his data padd around “and by your own admittance you used his pronunciation on the exam, so once I submit this for academic review my grade on this test will be …”

“Higher” Uhura ground out glaring at him.

Kirk shook a finger at her in mock reproach, “not only higher, but higher than yours.” Kirk pressed the send key and settled back in his chair taking no small pleasure in the sight of Uhura irately stabbing her salad.

“Come on don’t be a sore loser, you still have the most talented tongue around.”

Uhura glanced up. “Why does everything you say sound so lascivious?”

“It’s a finely honed talent.” Kirk took a bite of his apple and said through a full mouth (because he knew that was one of Uhura’s pet peeves) “Next time let’s not bet on who knows more Deltan, you’re bound to lose every time.  I’m well versed in the language of love and the practice of it; I’m free tonight if you want a few lessons in either.”

Uhura rolled her eyes.

Gaila scooted closer. And Kirk nearly choked on his bite of apple, he had temporarily forgotten she was sitting next to him. “Perhaps you could teach me.”  She fluttered her eyelashes and placed a too warm hand on the back of his neck. “I’m a really quick learner.” The other hand she had on his back was alternating between patting his back as he tried to swallow a half masticated bite of apple and drifting lower toward the waistband of his trousers.

Kirk swallowed the mouthful at the same time as Gaila’s hand reached her final destination and gave him a sharp squeeze.  Her teeth were bared, and her eyes were gleaming with barely concealed delight. Even though she took some kind of hormone and pheromone suppressors he could smell the aphrodisiac laced aroma drifting off her. It wasn’t only enticing, it was downright frightening, he had seen at a young age, from a girl barely older than himself what power Orions had and he had no desire to lose control of himself like that.

“You know what…Bones is—“

Gaila was totally ignoring what he was saying now in favor of leaning even closer and draping her red hair across his chest.  He could feel her teeth playfully nipping his skin. His body and mind were at complete odds as to how to respond to the situation though. Uhura saved him from having to extricate himself.

“Gai, can you stop you’re embarrassing yourself.”She gave a glare at Kirk. “I’d say you were embarrassing him to but I’m pretty sure that’s impossible in his case.”

Gaila pulled back slightly and Kirk glanced gratefully at Uhura. The other women ignored him.  Gaila words were pouting and she still had one had trailing across his skin a little too far south for comfort.  “You humans are so shy about everything, I find nothing embarrassing about me and Jim.”

By Uhura’s expression she obviously differed in opinion. “Well then you’re embarrassing me.”

“Fine.” Gaila reluctantly pulled her hand back but it before she had given Kirk a final parting pinch.

 Kirk hastily gathered the remains of his scant lunch and glanced at the chronometer on the wall. “It’s getting late; I should probably go see when the shuttles are due to arrive.”

“I’ll come with you.” Gaia quickly agreed, gathering her own tray.

“Then again, I just remembered I have a meeting with a professor—“ He hastily added as Gaila started to speak. “Alone.” Before she could counter, Kirk gathered his tray slotted it in a disposal chute and left the mess hall.

Once he was safely in the corridor and Gaila-less he resumed a more normal pace.  He didn’t have a meeting to go to, in fact e had very little to do except maybe study. And that besides the cursory glance at his textbooks was never really on his agenda. If it had been a normal night he would have most likely been in the medical buildings, pestering Bones and flirting with the nurses and occasional doctor was a perfectly fine way to spend an evening in his opinion.

He whiled away his hours until the shuttles were due to arrive by studying with a group of students he vaguely knew from his engineering class and simultaneously checking out the cadets walking by.

The conversation that they were had long ceased to interest him; it was quite possible the cadets at the table were the most boring and geeky in the entire academy. With a yawn Kirk stretched checked his chronometer.  

“Well it’s been nice talking with you guys.” The engineer’s barely looked up from where they scanning a circuit diagram and arguing. 

“I’m telling you Tayler, if we cross the plasma coils in the main circuit we bypass this whole—“

“Except you can’t cross the plasma coils unless you want to blow up the ship!”

“Don’t, be an ass, the plasma coils can’t be crossed, but maybe— “

Kirk leaned past the closet engineer and tapped a series of junction on the data padd, with deft moments he reconfigured the diagram and pushed the data padd back to the middle of the table before starting to walk away.

Behind him he heard there chatter resume.

“What the hell did he just do?”

“That would work, wouldn’t it?”

“Sh— that would work!”

Kirk was already gone though.

He arrived at the shuttle yard where there was a few cadets waiting for the return of the Sanctus. Instead of the few he expected to find there was a small crowd gathered around a holoscreen blocking it from view.  Kirk shouldered his way through, asking “What’s going on?”

Nobody answered at first and finally a girl shifted in front of him and he saw what they were all staring at. It was a list of shuttle arrival times. A voice answered him just as he figured it out for himself. Te shuttle McCoy had been had its name listed in red and the arrival time was listed as unknown.

Kirk turned to find a familiar face that he couldn’t quite put a name to, it was a short woman with blue hair who was standing directly behind him and was the one who had spoken. He swallowed down the sinking feeling in his stomach and listened as she explained to the group of people milling around her. He could see by her uniform she was one of the senior cadets.

“They’ve lost contact with the Sanctus but there’s nothing to be concerned about…”

“Bullsh— “somebody called out.

She over talked the unseen voice and continued. “Shuttles can go off comm, sometimes interference from a plasma storm or ionic interference, graviton fields, there’s numerous reasons why—“

“Except, you guys can’t find a goddamn reason for the Sanctus to be out of comm range right?”

A burly cadet pushed himself to the front. Kirk recognized the man as Viegels. There was no love lost between him and the cadet, especially as a few months ago Viegels and his friends had been doing the very most to kick his ass. But the man had a point.

The woman to her credit stared down the man towering over her and said firmly. “We are looking into every avenue, until then please continue with your studies and we will let you all know when we achieve contact with the shuttle.”

Then the woman was weaving her way back out the crowd, ignoring the questioning cadets surrounding her.  Kirk pushed through and managed to catch up with her in the hall. “Hey Li—“ He paused realizing that from that drunken night a few months ago only the first syllable of her name had been retained.

She turned, and he could see by her face that he was all too memorable. Hopefully in a somewhat good way, but judging by the frown marring her face he was willing to bet not.

“It’s Liana and what do you want Kirk?” Her words were clipped and all business.

“My friend, doctor McCoy was on that shuttle and—“

She cut him off before he could finish, “I already gave a statement, and you heard it just like the rest of them.”

Kirk moved in front of her, blocking her from moving forward. “Come on, you’ve got to know more.”

“If I did why should I tell you?”

“Old times sakes?”

She leaned closer her teeth gritted and her voice lowered so only he could hear as she hissed. “By old times’ sake do you mean how you left my dorm room a few months ago and then in the same god-damn night went not only to my best friend’s room and then two other of my friends , oh and have the f—king idiocy to think we wouldn’t find out. Or how a few days later you…”

Kirk swallowed sharply as she continued extolling his sins of the past few months…now that she mentioned it was all starting to sound more familiar…”Look , I had some things going on ….” He trailed off thinking off how the things that had been going had to do with a class assignment on Tarsus which had brought up so many bad memories and general discussion from students that he had thought he was going crazy.

Liana glared at him and pursed her lips before continuing. “Save it I know what you’re going to say…you had some sort of Meningitis or whatever sh—they’re saying you had , but just admit the issue is you’re a godamn pig!” She turned and was about to leave, when Kirk reached out grasping her arm and preventing her from walking away.

“Look, this— “He stopped mid sentence as she tried to slap him and caught her other arm. “This…” He took a deep breath and apologized. “I’m really sorry about all that stuff.” He could see the disbelief in her eyes and tried again. “I shouldn’t have done …I was out of control and…I’m sorry if I hurt your feelings.” He really did feel guilty over half the stuff he had done in drunken attempts to forget what had truly been bothering him. Maybe Liana caught the sincerity of his words, in any case she snorted, and then sighed.

She paused after he realized her arms then scowled and said.  “Fine, Sanctus went off comm a while ago, it wasn’t abrupt they reported some engine trouble and then a bit after that sent out  a distress signal, only thing is when we sent a ship out to investigate, there’s no vessel on the course where they last were.”

She stepped around him and continued on.

Kirk caught her arm, eliciting a growl and Kirk saw her eyes flash as she bared her pointed teeth in a not to subtle threat.   He ignored the expression because he had to know. “Was there any sign of wreckage?”

Her face relaxed marginally; maybe she could sense his anxiety. “No, Jim, there was nothing…they’re just gone.”

Now

The crew of the shuttle Sanctus has been found. Starfleet is has refused to issue a formal statement of who has been rescued but sources state that several of the citizens on tat shuttle were wounded some...

Kirk stared blankly at the view screen in the mess hall watching some newscaster talk about a missing family that had been found in an air skimmer after ten days missing. The shuttle Sanctus hadn’t been mentioned, but his overactive imagination had served to turn a seemingly random newscast into his worst nightmares. It was early afternoon and despite several cadets hounding transport officer nobody was speaking. Official word had come out of the shuttle being found but nothing else was being released. Kirk knew Starfleet was tightlipped, even the media had only a cursory rumor of what had happened. Enough to keep them appeased but not enough to allow them to spout scare stories and worry the public.

However, to those who knew, Starfleet could speak volumes in silence. The “training accident in which a shuttle went missing.” story the media had been fed was a far cry from the tens of people that were missing.

“Hey, Kirk?”

He didn’t react, his mind was light years away. The person didn’t speak again until she had set in a chair across from him and watched him with worried eyes. “You know McCoy’s fine right?”

Kirk didn’t even bother to answer Uhura with a smart-mouthed or mildly flirtatious reply.  Instead he ran a hand over his face and said. “Sure.” He was just agreeing with her, trying to let her keep hope.  A good portion of people at the academy knew somebody who had been, was he corrected himself on the shuttle.

He took a sip of the glass of water he was rolling between his hands. But didn’t speak again, unconsciously he flinched as Uhura unexpectedly reached out and grasped his shoulder, before self-consciously pulling her hand back. “Most likely it’s engine trouble or maybe they were delayed and comm’s aren’t working.   Look, stuff happens all the time, it’s space. But what are the odds of some freak storm or random maniac taking out their ship? They were in federation space and—“

Kirk looked up at her this time. His eyes boring into  hers, he set the glass down as his hands tightened on it. “The Kelvin beat both those the odds you just mentioned.”

Uhura’s eyes widened slightly as she realized what he was saying was true.

Kirk felt slightly guilty as he saw her start to apologize. “It’s fine Uhura. Thanks , anyway.” He stood intending to go back to his dorm and maybe study but more like stare aimlessly at his data padd and try not to give in to the sickening feeling that something was seriously wrong. Before he had moved half an inch from the table an announcement blared out from the loudspeaker. “The Sanctus has been in contact, please refrain from comming the transport officers as channels should be kept open for further communication.”

Kirk turned back to Uhura to find the woman smiling at him. “See told you?”

A feeling of relief washed over him, inside he was chiding himself for worrying about a simple delay. He gave a slightly off-color grin to Uhura and raised his eyebrows suggestively, his heart wasn’t totally in the comment but he couldn’t take seeing the slight worry still present in Uhura’s features. “Want to celebrate, I hear relief can be a very good aphrodisiac.”

The scowl she gave him as she brushed by him and out the messhall…was like the past two days had never happened.

Kirk found out how wrong he was a few hours later as he stood in front of Starfleet Medical and tried to get pass the throngs of students to see the survivors as they were let off the airskimmer and into the hospital. The communication Starfleet had achieved with the shuttle was only after half the vessel had been blasted apart killing half the occupants and injuring several more.

The ones still walking upright looked shell-shocked. Their faces were still sooty and smeared with blood in some cases; people were sobbing, and some were being wheeled in on hover stretchers. Others Kirk knew had been taken to some of the more advanced area hospitals to avoid taxing the academy medical facilities.

Kirk finally made his way through the crowd and watched people passing by but McCoy wasn’t in the group. He moved toward an officer standing nearby with a data Padd and ignored the anger in her face as he all but accosted her and demanded to know who they had recovered.  She proved uncooperative, but a few seconds later and a few Padd strokes Kirk was reading the list on his mini Padd and it wasn’t encouraging. He scanned the line of names, noting some hadn’t been found and others were listed as being sent out to various area hospital.

The ominous feeling he had lost earlier when new so of the shuttle being contacted was out and then regained as he heard about the actual circumstances was back full force.  He forced a trembling finger to scroll through the names and finally he found the one he was looking for

_Leonard H. McCoy human male-presumed deceased, identification yet to be made_

 Everything else faded away in that moment. He forced his way through the crowd, ignoring the startled looks it earned him, not even registering the yells and protest arising in his wake.   The bodies were being taken to forensics almost halfway across campus for identification. It was a good several kilometers from where he was, but to Kirk that didn’t matter.

He let the Padd he was holding fall from his fingers and disappeared out into the slowly coming darkness.

The officer at the door of forensics was reluctant to let him in. He could have asked or negotiated, instead he hit him. It was one of Viegels, cronies and when the man said a tad too smugly and all too knowingly. “Heard your friend McCoy was on…” It was too much. The guard never saw the punch coming.

Kirk stepped over the guards’ insensate body and keyed himself in. A quick look around and he had reoriented himself. Forensics weren’t his specialty, but he had taken a class or two in the building and he had had one or two encounters with some of the more adventurous students in some interesting circumstances.

None of that was on his mind now though. He saw Starfleet officers wheeling in stasis pods with Renfield solemnly leading the way to one of the autopsy labs and reality seemed to fold around him. He was aware they had seen him and that he was glaringly obviously not supposed to be here, but he didn’t care because the stasis pod closest to him had glass that wasn’t quite blacked out. And in the dim interior he could just make out a face. He pushed past the guards now trying to escort him away and moved towards the pod. His fingers were trembling as he struggled to open the fasteners but somehow he managed.

And his worst fear was now a reality.

McCoy stared out at him, the doctor’s eye were blank, dull. His face twisted in a pained grimace, like some last agony had visited him in his final moments.  The smell that was released from the pod was awful, like burnt flesh, blackened metal and some other indefinable aroma. It smelled of death. McCoy’s face was disfigured, part of the skin melted and blood matting his hair, and faint a burn line encircled his skull. Kirk could see why they had trouble identifying him physically. But the worst part of it all was half the doctor’s body was missing; the lower part where he legs should have been was a burned, crushed, and barely recognizable as human.

Kirk felt his legs buckle and the arms restraining him now were holding him up somewhat. He had seen worst, he had even done some pretty bad things to people and that was what let him not pass out or throw up like he felt like he needed to. But what made nothing in his past like his present was that this wasn’t supposed to happen again. He wasn’t supposed to have all that he had left, ripped away from him again. He wasn’t supposed to be the one left behind to mourn again.

It was Tarsus IV all over again, only this time instead of his aunt, uncle, cousins and so many others it was McCoy and somehow that was worst. Because the doctor was really all that he had left.

_… A girl giggled at the story the half-blind teen was telling her. “Quit playing Tommy…there’s no such thing as Zombies”_

_A boy poked the girl next to him, “yeah, well then what about the bodies in the square”…._

_\---_

_…. “Please, help…” Hands grasped his ankles but he ripped them free and continued past the pile of dying lying packed onto of each other like garbage where it had fallen…._

He fell back from the stasis pod, lost in a memory and the procession continued forward. Renfield didn’t follow, she gestured to the security officer still standing near Kirk and with a glance at her he continued on. The corridor was deserted, leaving the two of them alone.

Renfield saw the blank and yet haunted look on Kirk’s face and snapped her fingers in front of his face. “Kirk, Kirk.”

He reacted quickly his eyes darting to her, the faraway look disappearing from his face, but…not from his eyes. “Follow me.” She started walking and he followed.

They stopped in front of an empty office and she gestured him inside. The door slid close behind them. Renfield settled at the desk and stared across at Kirk…she had hoped to break the news to the family and friends in a different manner. She should have known Kirk wouldn’t wait, she should have known that he couldn’t.

XXXX XXXX

Kirk listened as Renfield talked. He wasn’t watching her though. Instead he was imagining what had happened as she told him. He didn’t catch it all but what he did hear was enough.

“…We found the shuttle off its course…at least half the ship was destroyed…life support was down and the survivors didn’t have much time left. We recovered almost all the bodies… We’ll be releasing a press statement after we notify the families…McCoy’s family will be one of the…”

“No!” Kirk finally looked at her; she seemed shocked by his outburst.

“Kirk his family has a right to know and would you rather they—“

Kirk cut her off. He wanted to do this; he wanted to do something for McCoy, the only thing that was left to do really. “Let me tell them.”

Renfield frowned. “Starfleet has official channels to go through.  We have people trained at this sort of thing.”

“Please, let me.” It was the closet he could come to begging without actually doing so.

Her next words faltered on her lips, maybe she saw the barely concealed tears in his eyes or the pain that cut through so deep it wasn’t ever going to heal but finally she nodded. “Okay, Kirk.”

He nodded, his voice was thick and his throat felt raw. He didn’t trust himself to speak again. He stood, and neither he nor Renfield acknowledged that he hadn’t been dismissed. Kirk wouldn’t have cared if he had noticed, he had entered Starfleet on a dare but the reason he had stayed time after time had a lot to do with McCoy. It was hard to fail yourself when you were trying to keep somebody else’s head above the water.

 and from staged allergic reactions to trick McCoy into worrying about something else  instead of  his own aviophobia so he would pass  shuttle flight class, or stupid jokes that had them both  laughing when academy life all became too much that was what he had been doing. Now McCoy was gone and so were his reasons for being in Starfleet still.

Renfield didn’t speak about the breech of etiquette or the cadet she knew he had decked outside the forensics hall; he would be disciplined for those later. But right now, there was no reason to pour more pain onto somebody already steeped in it.

Kirk closed the door to the office and leaned back against it and the only sound he let himself make was a muffled sob, before he straightened up and continued on. It was just like the old days, he couldn’t break down yet, because he still had a duty to complete.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shouldn't fic hoard right? 
> 
> You tell me? Should I wait until the fic is totally finished before continuing to post? I have another few chapters, or is it better to post as I go...I feel like a fic hoarder considering what I have posted on the site is the tip of what I have written, but my OCD likes to have fic finished before I post...sigh

The gravel driveway was sparsely populated with weeds and the dust that would have flown up was held in check by the still damp early morning dew.  He slid in past the picket fence and turned off the engine as he neared the house. He got of the bike, his entire body aching with exhaustion.   He hadn’t slept since he had talked with Renfield. Several cups of coffee mixed with alcohol and a desire to tell what had happened before some news outlet leaked the accident was all that was keeping him awake and upright at this point.

The ancient house was still as it had been last time. Instead of decrepit in its old age it had maintained its dignity albeit in a haphazard way.  A wraparound porch had a tiny bike propped in one corner and flower boxes and the vines twining up the balustrades had dropped petals and leaves everywhere.  The magnolia trees in the yard were still looming over the yard with a matronly air.

In short it was just as he remembered it. To idyllic to be true, as almost everything in life was.

 He briefly wondered and hoped that maybe the occupants were still asleep thereby sparing him from his unpleasant task for a little longer. But he wasn’t to be granted that wish; from within he could hear the indistinct sound of voices. He raised a hand and knocked. It sounded glaringly obvious in early morning air.

“Just a minute.” He heard a voice call lout and then he was greeted by a familiar face. She was grinning and then the look faded into a slightly puzzled expression, as she recognized him. The smile faded completely as she saw his expression.

“Len’s friend James right?” She asked a tad uncertainly, no doubt taking in the stubble on his cheeks and the tired look in his eyes.

“Jim, Yeah,”

Donna Withers, McCoy’s sister didn’t open the door, she was still staring at him searching his face, before it seemed to register that she still hadn’t let him in. She reached out unlatching the door. “Well, this is unexpected but come in.”

Kirk glanced around the house looked the same as it had throughout the summer. He avoided Donnas’ eyes still trying to search his. “Is Fred home? I need to talk to you both.”

Donna shook her head. “He’s gone; on a trip left a day ago for a seminar, he’s off planet.” She hesitated for a moment, studying him and then added. “Are you okay? You look kind of… run down..”

 “I’m fine.” Kirk tiredly over his face as he tried to summon the energy to do what he had came too. He glanced back at Donna wondering how to tell her. She was still staring at him uncertainly. “What’s going on? Is Len here with you?” She leaned past him to glance at the door like she was expecting to see her brother walking in.

Kirk’s throat was tightening at just the thought of McCoy. He cleared his throat or tried to, it still sounded hoarse to his ears. “Donna, I need to—“

He didn’t get to finish before a voice called out plaintively. “Auntie Donna, the pancakes will spoil if we don’t make them.”

Donna gave a small smile and glanced towards the kitchen. “Hey, Jim you’re just in time for breakfast, you’re welcome to stay.”

“Sure, thanks.”  The words were autopilot, his stomach was already churning at what he had to tell her, there was no way breakfast would stay down.

“Who are you talking to!” A demanding voice came closer and then a small girl still in her nightgown and slippers with hair in two pigtails came out the kitchen. She didn’t notice him at first and when she did her head cocked to the side for just a second. Then she had crossed the remaining space and practically jumped up at him with her arms outstretched. “Jim!”

He scooped her up as she tried to crawl up him. Part of him was grateful for the distraction and the other half thought this would make it all the harder.  “You grew huh, Jo?”

She nodded solemnly. “Half a inch.”

She fell silent and Kirk tried not to think about how much she reminded him of her father. She studied him for a moment and then said. “You look sad.”

“Just tired.”He tried to smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“You need a nap.” She leaned closer her breath tickling his ear and stage whispered. “That’s what auntie Donna says when I’m tired.”

Donna rolled her eyes and glanced back at Kirk. “How about I get you a cup of coffee?”

Before he could say yes or no Donna had walked back into the kitchen, leaving him alone with Joanna.  She pulled herself up higher until she was sitting comfortably in his arms and then the interrogation started as only a five year old could. “Are we going on another trip?”

“No, Jo, I—“ He broke off from explaining why he was there.

“Is daddy here? He said in nine days he was comin’. It’s—“ she paused to count on her fingers, pulling each slightly chubby digit up from a tiny fist. “Five!” She squealed gleefully. “Daddy’s here early.”

She wriggled in his grasp; her entire body quivering with happiness. Jim hated to say it but he had to, he sensed it would only make things worse if she persisted in the lie. “Joanna,”

She turned to half- look at him, this time sucking a finger as she watched the door expectantly. “ Can we go see him!”

“Jo, listen, Bone—your dad’s not here.”

Her attention was back on him now solely and her face dropped. He saw her bottom lip start trembling…her voice was small and demanding. “Why?”

Kirk didn’t know what to say, he swallowed past the lump growing in his throat and tried “because he couldn’t come.”

Joanna looked like he had just told her the world was ending...and in a way hers was.  “Why?”She started to cry, huge tears rolling down her cheeks. “H-h-he promised.”

Kirk was spared from figuring out what else to say by Donna emerging from the kitchen. She pulled the apron she had off, glancing from Joanna to Kirk. “What’s going on? Why’s she crying?”

He tried to tell her but the words got caught in his throat. “Donna, we need to talk.” He passed over Joanna who was still crying into her aunts’ outstretched arms.  She soothed the little girl, rocking her back and forth and brushing her hair back.  Donna glared at him accusatorily. “Jim what did you do?”

Joanna chose that moment to wail. “ He said d-d-daddy’s not coming.”

Donna glanced back at Kirk clearly startled. “What? Why? Len said he was coming this weekend.”

“I have something to tell you.”

“Okay, in a minute, just let me get Joanna settled and—“

“Will you just listen to what I’m trying to tell you God damn it!” Kirk saw her eyes widen in surprise as he raised his voice. He hadn’t meant to yell, but she was making it all the harder with each unintentional delay.  He cleared his throat and softened his voice a bit before adding. “Please, just give me five minutes.”

Donna hesitated, maybe it was the pleading quality in his voice, but after a half-a second she nodded.  “Okay.” She set Joanna down and told the now sniffling girl. “Go wash your face and get dressed, I’ll see you in a minute.”

Joanna nodded and started up the stairs, still sniffling. Donna waited until she had disappeared from sight and then settled her hands on her hips. “What is up with you? You look like you haven’t slept in a week and smell like you’ve been drinking and Jim…”

“Just listen—“

“No you listen! You show up at my door, unexpected and uninvited may I add. Then you make my niece cry and you yell at me . You—“

“Will you shut the f—k up for two seconds…” Kirk took a deep breath, trying to calm himself, but the damage was already done. Donna was almost shaking with anger, she opened her mouth clearly about to say something else when he cut her off. “This is important.”

“So tell whatever the hell it is and then leave!”

“You should sit down.”

Donna narrowed her eyes at him. “Whatever it is spill it, then get the hell out my house and don’t come here again.”

“Donna,”

“Now , Jim.” Her eyes were glinting dangerously. “I mean it.”

“It’s about Bones—Your brother,”

Donna’s eyes immediately widened. “What happened? Is he okay?”

Kirk didn’t speak trying to think about how to tell her, his silence was an answer of sorts. Donnas’ face drained of all is color. “He’s in the hospital right? That’s why you’re here isn’t it?”

her voice rose… She read the answer in his face even as he tried to figure out what to say ”He’s just in the hospital though? That’s it right?”

“There was a shuttle accident.”

Tears started to fall, as she realized what he was about to tell her even as she tried to deny it. “It’s only an injury and—“

“He’s dead.” The words were choked past a lump in his throat. Kirk found himself standing in the hall, holding Donna as the woman’s tears soaked into his shirt.

It took several minutes before Donna managed to compose herself even slightly and Kirk found himself telling a brief, fractured version of what had happened. As he finished and Joanna was once again slipping into the kitchen. Kirk saw her eyes glance between her aunt who was now crying silently and himself and the cheerful look on her face dropped away. She dropped the stuffed animal she had been carrying and pushed her way into her aunt’s lap, trying in her childish way to comfort her.

Kirk left, moving out onto the porch. It may have been cowardly of him, but he didn’t think he could take what would come next. He tried not to listen, but it did nothing to shut out the thin cry that no child should ever make, but that he had heard to many times in his life already.

The days passed in a blur. He stayed with Donna and Joanna for two days, Fred was contacted but he was in deep space and most likely wouldn’t be back for another few weeks, even with the fastest transport home he could get.  And Kirk couldn’t bring himself to leave them alone. So he stayed, and refused to give a care that the leave he had was for only a few hours, let Starfleet expel him, he almost wished they would.  He wasn’t sure if he was going back after all this was over anyway.

Kirk was simultaneously happy and not that he had been the one to break the news. It had probably been easier to hear what had happened from him rather than some clinical official who would have delivered the required news and probably effused to answer any of Donna’s questions, instead offering a “rest assured he died in the line of duty.” And a folded UFP flag. Duty wasn’t a comfort when a sister was left now alone to raise her brother’s sister and his five-year old was crying herself to sleep every night.

It was the night before they were due to go to San Francisco for the funeral.  Joanna had finally fallen asleep. Kirk shifted slightly moving Joanna to a more comfortable position as his arm started to go to sleep and her tear-stained face rested on his shoulder.  Over the past few days she had been clinging to him, even more so than to her aunt.  Donna set across the table from him staring into the distance. A few stray strands of hair had fallen from the ponytail she had it in and he saw the deep circles under her eyes from sadness and fatigue.

Even so she still, had a beauty that would have drawn at least one or two flirtatious comments from him and brought a blush and—no doubt a swat from Donna. But his heart wasn’t in it…not today…probably not for a long time.

Donna straightened up abruptly her eyes glancing over and him and then sliding over to her niece. A sad smile slipped onto her face, just barely there. “He loved her so much.” The words were more a quiet affirmation than something requiring a response.

Kirk spoke anyway. “I know.” And he did know because in between classes he caught the older man looking at holos of her, late at night when others were hooking up or attending parties McCoy had many times been writing her letters, and seeing them together a few months ago at father’s day had been more than enough confirmation.  Now all that was gone, cut off by a shuttle accident.

Donna reached out and Kirk wordlessly passed over the sleeping little girl. It was silent in the kitchen as the woman made her way up the stairs and tucked Joanna in.  She came back and a few minutes later they were both settled at the kitchen table with steaming cups of coffee in front of them.

The silence lasted for a good ten minutes as Donna slowing traced her finger around the edge of her mug. “Did he like Starfleet?”

That was a question Kirk hadn’t been expecting. It took him a few moments to answer and a thousand different times with McCoy flashed through his mind in that span. Finally he spoke. “Yeah, I think he did.” Because in between the doctor’s grousing about shuttle flights and the dangers of space and pretty much every other thing on campus he did what he did best…being a doctor.

Donna nodded. “You know why he joined Starfleet?”

Kirk had heard an abbreviated version from Donna’s husband Fred, but before he could speak Donna continued. “Because of Joanna. He was a wreck after our dad died…it took a toll on his marriage. He started drinking and when Len was drunk he was really difficult to be around. Things kind of spiraled out of control one day and Joanna nearly died. A few months later one of his friends convinced him to join Starfleet…the day he was supposed to leave though he was having second thoughts…he told me about it…how he was going to come back home and her going away card fell out his luggage, and he thought of her. He left so he could find himself and be a better person, for her…and now he’s gone.”

Kirk didn’t speak as her eyes filled and her voice choked off. Her face was dripping in tears as she whispered again “He’s gone.”


End file.
